I'm Scared

I'm scared that one day you're going to stop im-ing me. That one day you'll lose interest in talking to me. That one day we'll run out of things to talk. That one day you'll get bored of me. That one day we'll no longer hang out together. That one day there would no longer be hour long conversations on the phone. That one day we can't even be friends anymore. I'm really scared for that day because its happened before and there's a chance that it can happen again. Last time it happened, I felt like it was my fault, because I didn't brother to do anything about it, it was as if I didn't care in a way. But I do care about this and this time I'm going to do things differently. I want to keep this going and I'm not going to easily back out this time like I did last time. I want you to know that I actually care. Last time I acted different than I normally would, but this time I'm different. I'm being myself because faking it didn't get us anywhere. But I'm going to give it my all this time since I want it to last.

Life

Today, I found out that this guy in my health class is sick. He is in the hospital and most likely won't be returning to school. I didn't know him that well. He was in my drug project group and I know that he knew most of the answers in class. A lot of people sorta found him annoying because he knew so much and sorta went on and on about certain topics. I remember once, when I sorta got annoyed at him, because he got a 88 on a test and I got the same thing. So he says to me "...wow, you got the same thing as me." as if its surprising that I got the same thing as him. I had a feeling that he thought I wasn't very smart, since during the drug project I seemed kind of slow. But today when I found out that he was sick, I suddenly felt really bad that I once felt that way about him. I mean I find certain people annoying and don't want them in my classes but I don't ever wish they got some serious illness. I mean I hope that we all grow up healthy, I just don't want them in my classes at times. So all through class I felt really bad about it. I realize that we should appreciate people more, and not take them for granted. I mean its human nature to dislike people, and I admit I've dislike people before. But I never wish for anything bad for them. Although at times I can't help but think it, but I feel so bad afterwards. Luckily nothing has happen to those people, but when it does happen it really makes you rethink life and the hate we have in us.

Faded Memories

To My Once Best Friend of Six Years:
I was thinking about how close we use to be when we were in elementry school. We spend endless days at my house in my basement going down my slide. We kept lists of Mary Kate and Ashley Oslen books that we haven't read yet. We would play hide and seek in my closets and we even created a club. We made up stories and went to the park to do what every child does. We even went to summer school together. Your parents knew my parents and my parents knew yours. We promised that we would remain best friends forever even until high school. We believed it and whenever people asked we say proudly that we've been friends for a long time and that we'll continue to be friends for a long time. We called each other all the time, I knew your number and you knew mine. People always asked us if we were sisters or cousins because we went to school tgoether. We even had the same hoodies! You've made me cry and I made you cry, we were as close as can be. But everything comes to an end. The slide in my basement is no longer there because I grew out of it. That is like our friendship, we went to different middle schools. In 6th grade during spring break I remember you came over. This was the last time we would hang out. I didn't expect it to be though, and expected that next year you'll come too. But that was our final good-bye. We stopped being best friends not because we fought but because we just simply grew apart from each other. We went from being best friends to simply friends on facebook. I can't help but think of the could've beens. But I know that even though we're no long friends that we'll both store the memories of when we were friends in our hearts.

Friendship

I can't help but wonder if I can put effort into things I do. I put effort into homework and school but when it comes to social things I feel like I don't put in any effort. I'm drifting apart from one of my friends and the main reason is the fact that we both thought that our friendship was so strong that neither of us brother to put in any effort to save it. We got mad at each other thinking that it'll all get better because our friendship was so strong. I always thought that I didn't need to brother putting in so much effort because we were such good friends. But now its all falling apart and I feel like if I put in effort then things would be different we would still be close. I wonder if I'm capable to putting in effort into relationships. I feel like if I'm not capable of doing so that I'll end up alone in the future. I always thought that as long as I don't get into huge fights with my friends, then our relationship will stay the same. But that is not true, friendships won't suddenly stop if I do that but it won't stay the same. If I don't put in effort then our relationship won't be strong. It upsets me how long it takes to build a friendship but how easily it is to end one.

Grudges

I hate the fact that I can't ever forget stuff that people have done to me. Such as breaking promises or doing anything to me that hurt my feelings at that moment. I simply don't ever forget about them and it gets annoying. Sometimes when I'm mad at that person I suddenly remember all the old stuff they've done to me and it just gets me more mad. I mean sometimes people break promises to me and they try to make it up, but it just hurts when people break a promise to me. Well not necessary small ones but big ones. Sometimes I look so forward to doing whatever they promised me that we're gonna do such as go somewhere. But when we end up not going I just feel disappointed and upset. I wish I can just let all my "grudges" go but for some weird reason I just can't. And when they make other promises to me I can't help but feel like what if they break this promise like the other one. I mean I forgive them and everything but I just never forget. There was this like which one is easier to forgive or to forget. And I find its just really hard to forget things like that. Sighs. It just depresses me when I can't forget something even after a long period of time has passed.

Worrying Too Much

I think that I have a problem, that I never had until November of 2009. The problem is I worry so much. I use to worry but now I just worry so much that sometimes I get this pain in my stomach (sort of like butterflies). I'm worry over things that I have no control over, and whenever someone is late I keep thinking something bad as happen. I never use to think like this until now. I hate the feeling in my stomach every time I worry myself sick. I really don't know how to stop this worry, the only thing that works is keeping myself occupied but its getting harder. Since I keep worrying over things that I really have no control over, I'm having trouble focusing in school. I really hate worrying so much but I really have no idea what got into me to make me worry so much over things that I don't have control over. The slightest sound at night makes me paranoid and worry. I keep thinking about the end of the world and bad things happening to the ones I love. I spend time trying to think of other stuff but nothing works unless my mind is occupied doing something that requires my full attention. I really want it to go back to the days when I worry but not like this. I hate this worrying feeling so much. Anyone have any idea to stop worrying? D:

Apart

To Someone that I'm drifting away from.
We use to be so close. You considered me your best friend and honestly I did too, even though I told you I didn't believe in best friends. I don't really since I've always thought that best friend was only one friend. But I do consider you as one of my best friends. But now we're drifting apart from each other. Even though we still hang out and talk its just not the same. There are stuff I would use to tell you but now I don't and I know its the same with you. We've both seem to have found another group of friends besides each other. I miss being able to tell you all my problems and you giving me the solutions. I wish it would go back to how it use to be. But even though our friendship isn't as close as it use to be, I really still do consider you as one of my best friends. I just wish that we could talk about anything and tell each other everything thats going on. Even though we both have other friends that we're super close too, I wish that we were still as close as how we use to be. I know that I'm hard to handle at times, and I use to get pissed off at you a lot. But now I feel like I shouldn't have done that because I feel like thats what causing us to become part. I wish I could tell you all this but I feel like I just can't. But I just want you to know that even though we're drifting apart, I still do consider you one of my best friends.

Down

I'm feeling down and disappointed in myself. My report cards have been posted up on this website already. My math average is still a 75, I thought that I would at least get an 80 since I got an 80+ on the two exams but no its still an 75. That means that my chances of being in AP Cal. is all gone. Even though AP Cal was going to be hard, I wanted to be in it since I feel like thats the only AP I'll have a chance of other than AP Chem. I really wish that I did better, I really do. But apparently I didn't do any better than last term. I feel like I've failed myself somehow.

But I'm going to suck it up. For spring term I will do better. I'll go for at least a 90! That sounds so impossible to me considering that I've never gotten pass an 85 on any exam. I'm going to stop slacking off and do extremely good this term or at least give it my all.

Average

I never thought about this until an incident today that made me realize something. Out of all of my cousins(I only have three) I'm the most average. All of them know how to play the piano expect me. I never had any interest and my parents never forced me to learn. Even though some of my cousins were forced to learn they still know how to play. Also all my cousins have taken many extra lessons on a whole lot of other stuff such as dancing, sports, drawing etc. Other than learning how to swim I've never had any interest in doing any of those things. My parents never forced me and so now I feel like compared to them I'm average. They've all at one point of their lives went to a private school (I only went in pre-k and I never finish so I don't think that counts.) Also they all know already what they want to be when they grow up (well actually I don't know what my boy cousin wants to be but I"m sure he knows what he wants to be if not oh wells.) I'm still deciding on what I want to be when I grow up. I know that even though I'm average it doesn't make me any less than them. But when we go out to dinner or visit relatives and this gets brought up I feel out of place and like a loser. I know that my parents don't care that I've never did any of the stuff they do, they just care about how to do in school and they hate comparing me to my cousins. But I can't help comparing myself to them and how average I am compared to them.